Purging

All these years, i've been hollowed by many things yet, ironically, i also have been purging gravely. Purging what? Well, i dont have the inventory of what made my early 20's sort of a tragedy, nonetheless i've jettisoned some of them and forgot about them like mad magic.

I cant believe im getting older again. Next month i'll be 23! and archaic pains still unresolved 100%!!! Many times i've accepted myself, in defeat, as a melancholic...(the hell w/ Freud or Jung, I learned to commit myself to a stereotype) and as a tedious melancholic, i've cried a river all these years (not a hyperbole). Been drunk awake and asleep. Puffed, coughed and unsurprisingly been sent to doctorS. yes, its plural. If music and Eddie Vedder weren't there to revive me I could have been worse.

All my HS years, life was REAL harmless to me. I was still a little germ who's happiness amount to little. Everything then shines like a wet candy. Now, everything is different. I've thought and felt too much. I thought love was the exact flavor i needed in my geeky college life, but it failed me, EPICALLY! (everyone knows how.lol) I wasn't prepared for that and I SUCK...I know IM JUST A CREEP, too forgetable to remember, too boring to adore, too good to learn to love pain and too masochistic to cling on... (i know, the creep must definitely creep away)

Death also has a way of making me lust for it. I wanted to die.BUT-- My aunt died, my other aunt died and my grandma died, and my other grandma died. i wonder if i missed my turn?

Fortunately...

Progress report: 70% RECOVERED

I owe this to my friends who made me forget about myself. Who's been there holding beers smiling at me, happy for my presence. For making me laugh a hundred fold, tirelessly listening to me, opening doors for me so i can sleep and cry on their beds. Who'd listen to me singing my heart out loud in a sad song or dance with me in a ledge.

I've been trying hard to fight myself whenever im down in the dumps again. Im trying my best to be genuinely happy.. avoiding risk hazards or bombs that're scattered on places i know of.lol

I hope one day i'd wake up be as happy as i was before. Not feeling lonely, sad or martyred.

Now im planning something wicked on my bday.. and i will surely need their help.

I AM MINE - Pearl Jam (my ever anthem.lol)